Marriage Jokes

❤Three men were at a bar. Two of the men were discussing the control they had over their wives, while the third remained uninterested.

After a short while, the two men turned to the third and asked, “What about you? What kind of control do you have over your wife?” The third man turned to the first two and said, “Well, just the other day I had her on her knees!”

The two men were dumbfounded. “Wow that’s incredible! What happened next?” they asked. The third man took a healthy swig of his beer, sighed and grumbled, “Then she started screaming at me to get out from under the bed and fight like a man!”

❤One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God that she had a problem. “What’s the problem, Eve?” He responded. “Lord, I know you’ve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I am still so lonely.” God replied, “I have a solution for you, Eve. I shall create a man to keep you company.”

Then Eve inquired, “What is a ‘man’, Lord?” God explained, “A man is a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego, and an inability to empathize or listen. All in all, he’ll make life more difficult, but, he will be bigger and more muscular than you, and therefore able to help out around the garden. He’ll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball around, and he will enjoy hunting fleet-footed ruminants.”

“Okay, if that’s the best you can do,” replied Eve. God chided “Yeah, well, he’ll be better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick! Now, you can only have him under one condition.” “What is it, Lord?” asked Eve. “You must let him believe that I created him first.”

❤A man was called to duty to help in the Crusades and decided that while he was gone, his wife should wear a chastity belt. So he locked her up and gave the key to his best friend, and said, “If I’m not back in four years, unlock my wife and set her free to live a normal life.”

So, off the husband went on horseback, when a half-hour later he sees a cloud of dust in the distance behind him. As it came closer he could see his best friend galloping to catch up. “What’s wrong?” he asked his friend, who replied, “You fool! You gave me the wrong key!”

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